Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
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Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup