I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
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If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad