If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
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They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job