If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
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A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.