Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
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[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
What is going on? 😅
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks