Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
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FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Quadruple digit IQ
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
I love it all
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”