*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
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Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Lmao the reply
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.