Oh my god
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trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
This pepper has seen some shit
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Realize this:
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Rooting for the overdog
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.