I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
You Might Also Like
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.