Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
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reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
The dark side of Canada
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party