I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
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Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?