That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
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Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
How to properly lift a body
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*