* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
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The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic