My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
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I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
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Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
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Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
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*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
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-words to ruin a toddlers day
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Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
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GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
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★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
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#SpinachDay
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soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
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“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
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[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN