Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
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The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
house sitting!
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
He a real one for that
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.