CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
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The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Just me and my debit card against the world
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.