What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
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how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!