The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
You Might Also Like
my professor scared me for a second
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years