ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
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What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Ah..makes sense now
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
hey, alexa
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin