Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
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Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.