*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
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*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Ovenable?
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
selfie game