How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
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I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted