I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
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The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.