Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
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Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.