Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
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In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”