Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
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Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
live long and prosper!
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.