You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
You Might Also Like
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Selfie
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it