Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
You Might Also Like
I believe the plural is “milves.”
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous