Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
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Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
I…do not understand how electricity works.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
I am a gravy boat captain
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.