Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
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People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
Who.
Did.
This?
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job