Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
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The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.