I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
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[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet