My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
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You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much