[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
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me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Y’all know who you are.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
every single time
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
*weighs self after shaving
whelp that’s enough instagram for today