You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
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*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
oh my gosh!!
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.