If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
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if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years