Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
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The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
I need better friends