Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
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At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Super Hand Dog Face
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time