Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
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Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
SF is the wild wild west man
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Trains are just sideway elevators.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐