Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
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me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Is….Is this an option?
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help