My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
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Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
the three genders
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.