*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
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my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
every. time.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.