My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
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Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
WTF IS THAT!
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.