Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
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Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
*jazz hands*
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.