Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
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Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.