SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
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alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.