Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
You Might Also Like
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?