Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
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I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
i will not be silenced
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Sorry. Not sorry
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Go hard or stay average
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.