In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
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Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’