Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
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Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.